Great-Grandparents Role in Modern Parenting

I’ve Never Killed One Yet…

I love my great-grandchildren….Truly, deeply, completely!

I couldn’t wait to see them after they were born. I wanted to hold them, rock them, kiss their soft little heads, and soak up every moment that I could.

And yet… somewhere along the way, being a great-grandparent seems to have come with a warning label.

Almost every time I try to hold one, I’m doing it wrong.

Hold them this way. No! — not like that.
Don’t kiss them! Don’t you know how dangerous that is?
No sugar. Ever. Not even a taste!

Not a hint of anything that isn’t approved.
Don’t rock them that way.
Don’t let them sleep like that.

Whatever you do, don’t let them crawl on the floor.

But, I don’t know all this, because no one gave me a book with all the new rules. I find myself putting distance because I don’t want to feel like I’m getting ‘called out in class’ again. I wish families could just love each other and make living fun, instead of looking for problems.

This is all fascinating to me — because if kisses actually killed babies, every one of mine would have been dead long ago. Yet here they are. Alive. Grown. Functional adults. Somehow surviving my apparently reckless affection!

When Experience Quietly Loses Its Value

I never had these issues with my grandchildren. Their parents knew me. They knew how I lived. They knew how I raised my children.

But great-grandchildren are different.

Now the parents are another generation removed. Their spouses don’t really know me at all. I’m not “Grandma who raised a family.”

I’m just… an old lady.

Out of touch. Old-fashioned. Uninformed. Possibly dangerous.

They are the enlightened ones. College-educated. Internet-savvy. Surrounded by experts, checklists, and social media advice telling them exactly how things must be done — or else.

And me?

Apparently I survived parenthood by accident.

When spoken advice feels unwelcome, some grandparents choose sharing wisdom in a way that lasts—on paper, in their own voice, without pressure or interruption.

The Grandparents Role Has Changed — Quietly

No one really talks about how the grandparents role in the family has shifted.

We used to be:

trusted helpers
sources of calm
extra arms, extra love, extra wisdom

Now, too often, we’re:

monitored
corrected
politely sidelined

We’re not asking to take over.
We’re not asking to override parents.

We’re also asking not to be treated like a liability.

The roles and responsibilities of grandparents used to include passing down experience. Today, it sometimes feels like our only role is to follow instructions — carefully.

When roles shift and access feels limited, many grandparents find comfort in preserving memories that matter—writing down the stories, lessons, and love they hope future generations will one day understand.

Waiting Rooms and Hurt Feelings

There’s another part of this that doesn’t get said out loud…and I believe it happens more than you would think.

Many grandparents — and especially great-grandparents — are quietly excluded from hospital visits when babies are born.

This isn’t always intentional or unkind. Hospitals have policies, parents are overwhelmed, and emotions run high during those first precious hours. Still, even brief moments of inclusion can mean more than people realize to older family members who have waited years — sometimes decades — for the joy of welcoming a new life.

Grandparents and great-grandparents don’t expect special access or extended time. They understand space limitations and the need for privacy. Often, just a few minutes — a hello, a glimpse, a shared smile — is enough to make them feel remembered and valued.

What can be overlooked is how easily the older generation can begin to feel pushed to the edges of the family story. Not out of entitlement, but out of longing to remain connected, included, and respected for the role they’ve played in building the family itself.

In the excitement surrounding a new baby, words and decisions are sometimes made quickly, without much thought to how they may be received. Yet small gestures of inclusion can go a long way in helping grandparents and great-grandparents feel cherished — not as obstacles or afterthoughts, but as family members who still matter and still have something meaningful to offer.

The $250 Activated Charcoal Lesson

Let me tell you a story you truly can’t make up.

One Christmas Eve, we were all gathered for dinner. My grandson brought his little dog. We live in the country, so yes — I had mouse poison set out.

The dog crawled under something and came back with a piece of poison in its mouth.

Didn’t eat it.
Just had it in its mouth.

Everyone panicked.

I calmly said, “I have activated charcoal. If a sliver went down his throat, we can give him some — just in case.”

Oh no. Absolutely not.

Instead, they called the vet. On Christmas Eve. Paid holiday emergency wages. Left Christmas Eve dinner and rushed the dog to the emergency clinic.

Later, I asked what the vet did.

They said, “He gave the dog activated charcoal.”

I said, “You mean the same thing I offered?”

They replied, very seriously:
“Oh no. This was special activated charcoal.”

You bet it was special – that special charcoal cost them about $250.

Apparently mine wasn’t enlightened enough??

I chuckle every time I think about that ‘activated charcoal’. You literally can’t make it up. Too funny! The dog survived all the excitement and all is well.

But, it’s ok. I love them all!

We Don’t Want Control — We Want Trust

Let me be clear.

I don’t want to make the rules.
I don’t want to override parents.
I don’t want to relive my parenting years through someone else’s child.

I want to hold my great-grandchild without feeling like I’m taking a test.
I want to offer wisdom without being dismissed as outdated.
I want to love without fear of doing something forbidden.

The grandparents role is never about control.

It’s about connection!

A Gentle Word to the New Generation

I understand that parenting today comes with pressure we never had.
I understand the fear.
I understand the flood of information telling you one wrong move can ruin a child for life.

But here’s something worth remembering:

The people you’re correcting raised families before hashtags existed.
They nurtured children without apps.

We managed without social media telling us everything there is to know.
We learned by living, watching, failing, and trying again.

We may not know every modern rule.
But we know comfort.
We know love.
We know how to hold a crying baby.

And no — most of us haven’t killed one yet.

Closing Thoughts: Make Room for Grace

Great-grandparents don’t expect authority.
We don’t demand access.
We don’t need control.

We just hope there’s still room for trust.
For grace.
For laughter.

And maybe — just maybe — for the occasional piece of non-special activated charcoal.

Even when access feels limited, there are still meaningful ways to stay connected with grandchildren that build bonds without crossing boundaries.

As always, please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.